Please read this question from a Christian man…
How can I be a good Christian husband if I am not attracted to my overweight wife?
Let me clarify some things, so people understand what exactly I am asking. I am 30, my wife is 28 (we have been married for 10 years) I love my wife and I married her for reasons beyond physical attraction. I am not contemplating divorce or sex outside our marriage. My wife and I have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a month, sometimes once every couple months. The more weight she gains the less I am attracted to her and the less I approach her for sex. She has gained about 50-60lbs since we have been married.I have made it clear to her that I am not attracted to big/thick/overweight women. I still love her and am willing to “stick it out” with her until death do us part; I am content with what God has given me.
The problem is not with me because as I said, I am content. The problem is that my wife is unhappy because my shows of affection have basically disappeared. She is a Christian woman, but apparently this is not her view of a healthy marriage. She is not content with my affection toward her or lack there of, or our sex life. I have bought her many Christian books to bring her closer to God and hopefully expose the gluttony that she is a slave to. She has tried countless diets and work out programs, but she is just not consistent. She will lose maybe 10lbs and then gain it back. I care about her feelings and want her to still feel loved, so sometimes I force affection, but she sees through it.
I guess I am not good at showing affection if the emotion isn’t behind it. I have told her that if she thinks we don’t have enough sex, she could always approach me for sex and I would never turn her down as I would never want her to turn me down if I really wanted it. She doesn’t see that as a legitimate option. She believes a man at my age should be craving sex frequently (probably a few times a week at least). That is probably reasonable, but I purposely suppressed my sexual appetite by focusing on God to avoid pornography and worse infidelity. She has suggested that I workout with her to motivate her, but I work 5 days a week at odd night/graveyard type hours, I am trying to write a book and go back to school. At some point doesn’t she need to take responsibility for her own body,happiness, and contentment or am I not doing enough as a husband? Is it unreasonable for me to ask my wife to approach me for sex if she wants it and I am not showing any intention of initiating? Any help would be appreciated.
tough situation…you need to make time for wife though; everyone is busy but even if it is just a 30 min walk 3 times a week or doing a physical activity you both enjoy. this could help you reconnect emotionally while getting some exercise. people often turn to food for comfort so perhaps your emotional detachment from her makes her turn to food more so you may be adding to the lbs without realizing it. instead of saying “im not attracted to heavy women,” try “im concerned about your health and i want to grow old with you” afterall obesity is the second killer of americans (tobacco is #1). diets dont work, it has to be a lifestyle change, which would include you making some changes too, i.e.you cant eat a cheeseburger while shes eating a salad. try cooking healthy together?? hope that helps..
Please listen because I am not trying to be rude here at all, but you’re kind of closing all the doors on your relationship. Every possible solution to the problem you have completely shut down, and that’s not really trying, that’s making excuses.
It’s like you took all of the things you possibly could have done in order to help your wife lose weight, or just to help your marriage in general and you shot it down with one excuse after another to avoid facing reality and doing something about it.
Fact: Your wife is over weight.
Fact: Because of this, you are losing your attraction for her.
Fact: Your wife is not up to doing this on her own, for whatever reason, so if it is that important to you that she loses weight, you will have to help her along with it one way or another.
So, here are your options.
1. Work out with her. I understand you say you work 5 days a week at an odd hour, and you also are going back to school and writing a book, however there is ALWAYS time. Do you and your wife eat 1 meal a day together at least? If so, pledge that after each of those meals you will go out for a walk with her, at least once a day. The walk need only be about 20 minutes as long as you do it at a moderate to fast pace and keep on truckin’. Starting healthy habits like this will lead to other healthy habits — who knows, times when you’re not around your wife may start to walk out on her own.
2. Eat healthier with her and encourage portion control. Both of you start eating on smaller plates instead of large dinner plates. When you fill a smaller plate instead of a dinner plate, your eyes trick your mind into thinking you have more food. Eat the food slowly, and your body will “get full” faster. Be sure to fill the plate mostly with fruits or veggies.
3. Keep showing her affection even if you don’t feel it. You turned this down by saying it was too difficult for you, but if you truly love your wife you will step up and do it. I know at this time you’re not attracted to her, but do you think that the lack of affection motivates her? It probably does the opposite and causes her to fall into a depression and over eat. You need to be loving and affectionate with her, force yourself to do these things and you will eventually start to feel them.
Good luck.
Try doing things together get her motivated you do love her just put a little of your part to help her she needs your support.
Okay,
1. You’re being a good Christian husband because you’re encouraging her, helping her, guiding her, and praying for her.
That’s a truckload more than some ding bat atheist with no fear of God would ever do.
So don’t worry about that.
2. Your wife needs a better reason (and this is going to sting) that YOU to stop her self indulgence. You’ve already said “My affections are not without some conditions”.
This is, btw, a perfectly acceptable statement to make. If you cheated like mad on her, she wouldn’t still love you. If she’s making food a bigger priority in her life…that’s just as bad.
Forsaking all others means EVERYTHING…drugs, adultry, food…even the children! Can’t be spending 100% of your time with the kids and expect your marriage to survive.
So you need a better, MORE PERSONAL reason for her to lose the weight. And that means she has to find it on her own.
3. All this dieting and weight loss stuff is gimicky. The fact is, she needs to move more…eat less.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to retain weight when you move more, and eat less.
So, cut down on the portions at the dinner table and tell your wife to move about more. She doesn’t have to go on some video work out program or even to a gym. She just has to spend half her day moving about. Then, at dinner time, eat smaller portions of everything.
Simple.
Good Luck!
P.S. One thing you could do to help your wife….move towards getting off the graveyard shift.
She’s lonely and that’s why shes eating all the time.
pray
Why are you feeling guilty simply because she is too lazy to stay on a diet and exercise plan?
If SHE is unhappy, then why doesn’t SHE do something about it? Why is everything always the man’s fault?
Attraction seems to be a very big deal in our society today. It does matter about attraction though. I mean most girls on TV are fake and have botox and have gotten many surgeries,but love your wife the way she is, shes different. and beautiful in her own way.
unless you want her to look like a blonde bimbo… and only dogs like bones…. pluss theres more to love about ur wife than.
Beating her down about her weight isn’t going to help. Work out with her. If there is something like a 24hour fitness near you that’s the membership you need. that way you can go anytime. Christian books aren’t going to do it. She needs YOU. Give her incentive for losing weight. But don’t make her feel like you will love her less because of her weight.
Oh man, I feel bad for you! I believe if you marry someone you should do your very best to take good care of yourself, I don’t know about others, but I would definitely not want to be married to someone who didn’t take good care of themslef to the point of me not being physically attracted to them anymore!!! You should sit down & talk to her, it’s not healthy for your marriage to go on like this…..
I am trying not to be too blunt here so this may be a bit lame ….here goes: If was totally dark in the room, you were sleeping and you awoke to some warm lips stimulating your member which was already at attention cause you were in REM sleep: Would you stop her from finishing you off? If not, you have it. Your new sexual situation until things change once again. Remember: The only constant in life is change.
I can’t speak to the lack of attraction you have because I have not experienced that either to or from my husband. I can idenitfy with your wife’s struggles though.
I have struggled with my weight all my life but more so in the last ten years, until I found out that I was severely anemic and that was the reason I could not exercise, not because I was a fat lazy slob (read: bad person) like I thought of myself.
Once I got that under control and got some energy, I joined the gym, changed my eating habits and my life. I have lost weight, gained muscles and I feel like I am winning this time.
Two things made this possible:
1. I decided that I would love every inch of my body, no matter how it looked it’s me and I’m worthy of love.
2. My husband has always been supportive and was always been very physically affectionate to me, even though I gained more weight than your wife has since he married me. His positive feedback as I have shed weight has been invaluable, like having your own cheering section following you around.
Please keep loving and supporting your wife like you say you do. And try to convice her that she is worthy of your love and her own love.
prayer over her, and ask God to bring forth the desire to be healthier and for her to lose the weight..marriage counseling..
Tell her to do more christian workouts?
My guess is that she was not as bothered by her weight until YOU started harping on it. She is who she is. When u love someone for the person they are (not what they look like) then they become the most attractive & beautiful person in the world to you no matter how they are perceived by the rest of the world.
When u try to force someone to change they resist, it’s human nature. Does she know she is over weight? Yes she does. Does she want you pointing it out to her? Certainly not.
I admire your truthfulness and your commitment to your marriage. As a woman, I know that weight gain can greatly affect the sex life in marriage. Being overweight is a turn off for both men and women. I have gained about 30 lbs. since my marriage and it bothers me terribly. My husband is awesome and reminds me that he married me for “thick and thin.” Ha! Ha! God bless him! I know that when I weigh less and fit nicely in my clothes I feel sexier and things are better in bed. I would encourage you to have your wife make an appointment to see her doctor for a physical. There may be physiological reasons for the weight gain and she could also be suffering with depression. Best to rule things out. If you can’t join her in exercising, could you buy her a membership in a gym, or offer to buy her a diet program for say, 6 months with Jenny Craig or something similar as a way to make up for your not being able to be there with her? She does have to take responsibility for her body, it is true, but can be harder than you think. Try my suggestion, and make sure your wife knows you love her with all your heart, through thick and thin.
First of all you are a great husband. And you are showing a high commitment level.
I had this exact conversation with my wife BEFORE we married because my parents and most of their friends had the same pattern: The wives stayed fit until marriage and then felt entitled to gain as much weight as they wanted. I told my wife I find fat women sexually unattractive and wanted us to BOTH commit to staying fit. And we both have.
I am going to say something that I believe is totally true. If you limit your meals to healthy food you will not over eat and you will lose weight. So your wife needs to “give up” the foods that she over eats and NOT BUY them. And to be supportive you need to agree that any food that she has trouble with – you will not bring into the house.
The saddest thing about obesity in the US is that it has become totally common and totally acceptable.
When we married my wife weighed 105 pounds (5’2″) now 20 years later and 3 children later she weighs 110. And sure it takes effort but we BOTH put effort into our marriage because we love each other. Your wife needs to decide if she loves twinkies more than intimacy with you.
I think you need to have a good old talk with her. If she does not care about herself & love herself why would anyone else want to. Weight is a problem for many people, if it is affecting her health then she needs to take better care of herself.
How you see your wife is a reflection of how she sees herself. The less affection to show her, the more depressed she will get. The more you find her unattractive (and she will pick up on that) the less she will care about herself. You sound like a good man, so don’t throw a book at her and expect her to get the hint: you’re preaching about gluttony and that’s just hitting below the belt. Find time to take her for long walks, maybe get some exercise videos to do together, and above all compliment her on how well she is doing and how great she looks from her efforts. Her mindset and yours will change during this process. Not only will you be happier, but she will too and will eventually continue losing weight as both of you will feel better and her self esteem will boost.
If she isn’t trying hard enough, perhaps she is comfortable with the extra weight. If she isn’t into looks then she doesn’t mind being heavy. I imagine you are not over weight?
You have decided to stay married and be faithful, because of your beliefs. That’s good, the problem is you are married to her and she to you.
Both should make efforts to improve the marriage if something is wrong. Her by initiating sex more often, and you by looking past her weight.
I think it’s hard for her to make the first moves, if she thinks you don’t like her. Don’t make her feel awkward about her weight. Talk to her and assure her you have no problem with her coming on to you.
Perhaps she feels you don’t want her. If that’s the case things aren’t going to improve until she thinks differently.
I think you’re lying to yourself when you say the problem isn’t with you, and that you are content. The problem is also with you, because you are married to her, and you dislike her being over weight. If you were truly content. You wouldn’t have, oh my wife is over weight and I am not attracted to her problem. You are willing to settle for what life put in your path, like it or not. That is different from being content.
I know because I have also settled. But want different from what I have.
Active leaders inspire active followers. It may sound silly but you have to lead her in a more positive way. You are responsible for your own happiness, but you can inspire happiness and motivation in others by leading by example.
This is how she sees it. He is not attracted to me. He tells me he doesn’t like overweight women. I am over weight and he doesn’t want to have sex with me. She is unhappy about this and probably eats to feel better. No woman wants to feel that she is a place to deposit sperm and thats what you’ve created. She doesn’t need to feel closer to God, she needs to feel closer to you. What you can do is to work out together, eat well together, its a life change that you both should do. Its not about portion control, its about choosing foods that a good for you, so that you don’t have to worry about watching the quantity of what you eat, you look for the quality. I enjoy searching and cooking healthy recipes because they taste better than unhealthy foods. I love the different spices. I think you could cook together, have a glass of wine while you do, and enjoy each other’s company. I think you could take walks together, and hold hands again. You can take salsa dancing lessons and hold each other again, and then you can take kick boxing classes together. Laugh at your mistakes in class, I do. Your way isn’t working dude, find something that does. Its not you trying to correct her problems its you re-connecting in a healthy way. My husband did this to me, and we never reconnected. I weighed 110 lbs when he would hide candy so I wouldn’t eat it. When I had my child, he threw cookies away, saying, “I don’t want a fat wife.” I am in great shape, I work out for me, and he had an affair and filed for divorce. I don’t miss him. Don’t make the same mistake.